How many men out there have wanted to get a pedicure, but have been to intimidated to try?
I too was very hesitant to get one...that is-until I had my first one.
Let me tell you-BLISS!
It dawned on me today as I was having the funk of 40,000 years sawed off my heels that everyone should experience it. Think about it-it is summer, and flip-flops have replaced any other form of footwear...all done with virtually no concern given to the idea that our feet have been locked up beneath socks and heavy boots-at least here in the Midwest. Imagine if you will sitting on the CTA Red Line, and across from you are any number of people, all with toes exposed...without a clipper in sight. Vivid image, I know, but the truth hurts.
So there I am, toes scrubbed and nails buffed, getting a manicure, when I actually look around me and notice the surroundings.
Two things jumped out at me:
First-every nail salon on Earth is EXACTLY the same...one wall divided into thirds-the top third dry wall, the middle third beveled glass that makes everything look like a fun house, and the bottom third some sort of pastel wallpaper featuring "Southwest" abstract shapes mixed with outlines of leaves.
Second-the Vietnamese language is a very interesting mixture of sounds and signals that is percussive, interesting, and totally monosyllabic. No offense meant by these statements. It brought to mind a monotone xylophone...a series of very short, very staccato sounds that convey worlds of information in the shortest possible sound. I was fascinated, and was sure the woman was discussing something mind boggling. Turns out all they were discussing was the purchase of new pedicure chairs...
This, coupled with the television over my head playing an endless loop of Spice Girls videos and "behind the scenes" clips of their lives left me feeling both overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the exact same time.
Point being-if you have not, you need to stop at the Glamour Nails near you and see what I mean!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
HAIRSPRAY-The Movie...The Musical...The Movie Musical!
Hello Everyone!
Normally I don't write about movies and such, but I will make an exception for this particular situation.
As you may or may not know-Hairspray the Movie was released last weekend. It is a film adaptation of the stage musical that was adapted from a John Waters movie from 1988.
Confused? Let me see if I can sort it out
John Waters-the brilliant yet totally twisted director of such films as "Cry Baby", "Serial Mom (Now Chip, you know we don't use the brown word...)", "A Dirty Shame (Let's Go Sexin'!)", and "Pecker (Full of Grace, Full of Grace!)"...released "Hairspray" in 1988. The story revolves around Tracy Turnblad (played by Ricki Lake), an upper-lower class teen that achieves overnight stardom after auditioning for a Baltimore dance television show. The film also gets into race relations, class issues, and how body-image can make or break you. The amazing thing about the original movie is to see how Ricki Lake's hair changes-it is huge, then blond and huge, and then flat. I cannot reveal why it changes so much-you are going to have to rent it and find out. Needless to say-she is a hairhopper!
The movie itself is not good at all, but with people like Divine, Debbie Harry, Ruth Brown and Pia Zadora involved...certainly make for some memorable moments....
In the infinite wisdom of Broadway-the film was taken and adapted for the stage, with Harvey Fierstein playing the role of Tracy's mother Edna (originally played brilliantly by Divine).
The live show was a treat-fun music, great gimmicks, and a great message...but it lacked the dark humor that made the original movie such a cult classic. Then again-how can Broadway be anything but smiles!
This new adaptation, in my opinion, is great! The choreography is incredible, the musical numbers are energetic, and the performances, for the most part, are flawless.
Michelle Pfeiffer is wonderfully evil as Velma Von Tussel, the woman that runs the television station that airs the Corny Collins Show (the American Bandstand-esque show that causes the dance crazes). Velma is also the mother of Amber, the most popular girl on the show, and the assumed winner of Miss Hairspray...that is until Tracy Turnblad enters the scene.
Queen Latifa is silky smooth as Motor Mouth Mabel, the Queen of Baltimore Soul, and the mother of Seaweed, who becomes the love interest of Penny Pingleton, the best friend of Tracy.
The narrative here is convoluted, but there is a reason for that-YOU ARE MEANT TO SEE THE MOVIE! Not just the new adaptation, but make sure you view the original first...some of the references will make more sense.
Also of note are the cameos in the new film: Jerry Stiller as Mr. Pinky of Mr. Pinky's Hefty Hideaway, Ricki Lake as a William Morris Agent, and John Waters as the flasher who lives next door-perfect casting if ever there was....
My only criticism would be John Travolta in the role of Edna Turnblad. He was cheesy, unnatural, and frankly creepy looking.
If anyone out there has seen it-share your opinion with me!
Normally I don't write about movies and such, but I will make an exception for this particular situation.
As you may or may not know-Hairspray the Movie was released last weekend. It is a film adaptation of the stage musical that was adapted from a John Waters movie from 1988.
Confused? Let me see if I can sort it out
John Waters-the brilliant yet totally twisted director of such films as "Cry Baby", "Serial Mom (Now Chip, you know we don't use the brown word...)", "A Dirty Shame (Let's Go Sexin'!)", and "Pecker (Full of Grace, Full of Grace!)"...released "Hairspray" in 1988. The story revolves around Tracy Turnblad (played by Ricki Lake), an upper-lower class teen that achieves overnight stardom after auditioning for a Baltimore dance television show. The film also gets into race relations, class issues, and how body-image can make or break you. The amazing thing about the original movie is to see how Ricki Lake's hair changes-it is huge, then blond and huge, and then flat. I cannot reveal why it changes so much-you are going to have to rent it and find out. Needless to say-she is a hairhopper!
The movie itself is not good at all, but with people like Divine, Debbie Harry, Ruth Brown and Pia Zadora involved...certainly make for some memorable moments....
In the infinite wisdom of Broadway-the film was taken and adapted for the stage, with Harvey Fierstein playing the role of Tracy's mother Edna (originally played brilliantly by Divine).
The live show was a treat-fun music, great gimmicks, and a great message...but it lacked the dark humor that made the original movie such a cult classic. Then again-how can Broadway be anything but smiles!
This new adaptation, in my opinion, is great! The choreography is incredible, the musical numbers are energetic, and the performances, for the most part, are flawless.
Michelle Pfeiffer is wonderfully evil as Velma Von Tussel, the woman that runs the television station that airs the Corny Collins Show (the American Bandstand-esque show that causes the dance crazes). Velma is also the mother of Amber, the most popular girl on the show, and the assumed winner of Miss Hairspray...that is until Tracy Turnblad enters the scene.
Queen Latifa is silky smooth as Motor Mouth Mabel, the Queen of Baltimore Soul, and the mother of Seaweed, who becomes the love interest of Penny Pingleton, the best friend of Tracy.
The narrative here is convoluted, but there is a reason for that-YOU ARE MEANT TO SEE THE MOVIE! Not just the new adaptation, but make sure you view the original first...some of the references will make more sense.
Also of note are the cameos in the new film: Jerry Stiller as Mr. Pinky of Mr. Pinky's Hefty Hideaway, Ricki Lake as a William Morris Agent, and John Waters as the flasher who lives next door-perfect casting if ever there was....
My only criticism would be John Travolta in the role of Edna Turnblad. He was cheesy, unnatural, and frankly creepy looking.
If anyone out there has seen it-share your opinion with me!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Enough Is Enough
A friend of mine sent me a great quote today:
My idea of forgiveness is letting go of resentment that does not serve your
better interest, ridding yourself of negative thoughts. All they do is make
you miserable. Believe me, you can fret and fume all you want, but whoever
it was that wronged you is not suffering from your anguish whatsoever.
I would clarify this statement to edit the portion about being wronged...there was none of that really. We both used our relationship as a weapon against the other. Look where it got us.
The most important thing to think about now is the future...I have been waiting and waiting for something that will never happen: a reaction from him. Why would I get now what I could never get when we were together?
This forum has been an amazing outlet for my feelings, but the time has come to drop the baggage...who wants to read depressing messages filled with tales of woe? NOBODY
Suffice it to say-I am better off now that I am FREE!
Yes, I used the term free...because in a very real sense I am free...as is he
Now is the time to emerge from the weight of this relationship...baggage I brought, and baggage we both acquired along the way.
I don't blame him for the things that transpired-he was doing what humans do-protecting himself
The saddest thing to me is that his biggest fear when we were together was that he felt too much, and that I required too much of an investment of raw emotion.
I can finally let go of the idea that my excess of feeling/emotion is a liability....it isn't at all
I know now that he just couldn't handle it-and I suspect he never will be able to
Good luck finding someone exactly like yourself...I fear you are going to need it
Why was I bitter about reports of what he has been doing since the split? Because I felt that there was no mourning: no respect for the death of our togetherness.
I think there was a mourning period for him-it occurred way before we separated. I see now that it was over for him far earlier than it was for me.
Bottom line-it doesn't matter anymore...I have a life to live, and I need to remember that!
So...thank you for the gift of love-for that I will be forever grateful
I will always love you!
My idea of forgiveness is letting go of resentment that does not serve your
better interest, ridding yourself of negative thoughts. All they do is make
you miserable. Believe me, you can fret and fume all you want, but whoever
it was that wronged you is not suffering from your anguish whatsoever.
I would clarify this statement to edit the portion about being wronged...there was none of that really. We both used our relationship as a weapon against the other. Look where it got us.
The most important thing to think about now is the future...I have been waiting and waiting for something that will never happen: a reaction from him. Why would I get now what I could never get when we were together?
This forum has been an amazing outlet for my feelings, but the time has come to drop the baggage...who wants to read depressing messages filled with tales of woe? NOBODY
Suffice it to say-I am better off now that I am FREE!
Yes, I used the term free...because in a very real sense I am free...as is he
Now is the time to emerge from the weight of this relationship...baggage I brought, and baggage we both acquired along the way.
I don't blame him for the things that transpired-he was doing what humans do-protecting himself
The saddest thing to me is that his biggest fear when we were together was that he felt too much, and that I required too much of an investment of raw emotion.
I can finally let go of the idea that my excess of feeling/emotion is a liability....it isn't at all
I know now that he just couldn't handle it-and I suspect he never will be able to
Good luck finding someone exactly like yourself...I fear you are going to need it
Why was I bitter about reports of what he has been doing since the split? Because I felt that there was no mourning: no respect for the death of our togetherness.
I think there was a mourning period for him-it occurred way before we separated. I see now that it was over for him far earlier than it was for me.
Bottom line-it doesn't matter anymore...I have a life to live, and I need to remember that!
So...thank you for the gift of love-for that I will be forever grateful
I will always love you!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Boyfriends Come and Go.....
How true that phrase really is!
Originally, I was convinced that it was me-I was being to difficult, too demanding, too needy in my jealousy of the casual intimacy he shared with certain of his friends-one in particular. The more I analyzed it, and talked through it with Don (my analyst), the more I see that I was not mis-interpreting the situation.
Granted, they have known each other longer than we had, and therefore had a history that I hoped to build as well.
Let me take a step back for a moment here...when we first started dating, and I met his friends, I was taken aback at how unfriendly most of them were to me. So I thought to myself "Maybe it was just the one time...don't freak out". Yet, each time I encountered them, the result was the same. When questioned about it, the only reaction I got was "Well, I don't know why they are like that"...as if to shrug and tell me that it was out of his hands.
One friend in particular...I did not like instantly, and as I got to know more-that dislike grew in intensity.
It became the battle royale-who was going to come out victorious? Me...or him
I tried to be accommodating-to engage him in conversation to see if there was something I was missing, but truth be told, there is nothing there, so it was like pulling teeth.
When the ex and I talked about it, and I expressed my difficulty in engaging in conversation, his reply to me was "Did you talk to him about things that he is interested in?"
I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me...once again-I was facing a situation in which I needed support-and all I got was a confirmation that his loyalties were elsewhere.
I found myself at dinner parties and restaurants, and watched with initial fascination as the ex doted on him...making sure the menu selections were just right, assuring himself that the friend was faring well for the evening. I dismissed it at first, but the behavior never really changed.
I withdrew from situations where I knew the friend would be, just because I couldn't watch it any longer. I made things difficult for the ex-going just short of telling him he could not spend time with him, in the hopes that I would prevail. Now I know this never works. What it did was to force the ex into a corner. For this I can only say I am sorry. I will say that an unintended result was finally finding out where I stood in the scheme of things....
Two incidents reflect this realization:
One-I had finally decided to let go of the ill-will, and the bitterness, and concede that the ex needs friends to be a whole person-so I said to him-I give it all up. Well, the next week the ex sees the friend 3 times....and the ex sees me 1! To top it off, wee had planned a party to include an out of town guest for weeks...and the day of the event I get a phone call from the ex, telling me that he "wants to do things differently, and the friend got wind of the party, and basically what should I do?" I told him to invite the friend. I then called back about an hour later to say that I respect that the friend will be there, but I did not want to be around him, so I was withdrawing from attendance at the party. When the out of town guest arrives, he calls me and gives me grief for not attending, and wanted to know why....Talk about feeling totally sold out!
Not only did I have to remove myself from the fun, but I had to then explain what was happening and why I was not there. The ex could not have filled him in on the way home from the airport? No, he couldn't...the only comment he made about me not coming to the party was "He (meaning me) is an adult, and he can make his own decisions" I must say-when I got off the phone with our out of town guest-I sobbed
Two-Months later, the ex is out of town, and I find myself at one of the local bars. Of course-who happens to be there, but the friend. Trying to be the bigger person, I try to engage him in conversation...to no avail. I went back and forth about telling the ex I ran into him, and finally decided I would share. When I tell him-his response was "Oh yeah, the friend told me that you ran into each other" Quell surprise... At this point, I say that it was rough to get into a conversation with him. One of the things we discussed was a pending move to another city. When I asked why he was thinking of moving, his response was basically "I don't know"
I told the ex that I did not understand this-to which he swooped in and gave me 5 reasons why someone would do that...of course-defending the friend. When we came back to the idea of the conversation being rough, the ex replies "well, my friend was telling me that the entire time you were talking to him, he was thinking 'why are you talking to me, you don't like me' ". Now, I will admit that I did not come out and tell him in so many words why I was talking to him, but I figured that it would be obvious, and I told the ex as much. He bristled at this, and told me that I should have been more forthcoming about why I was talking to him, to which I countered "Did you tell him why I would be talking to him?" "Did you ask the friend if he was talking about things that I am interested in?"....NO, you didn't. Yet again, I was the one that was in error...I was the one that needed to accommodate the friend...I was the one that needed to go
While I will be able to recover from the blows we inflicted on each other, I am not sure I will ever be able to let go of the idea that he told me he loved me, and that I was always the priority, yet EVERY SINGLE TIME the friend/friends were involved, and there was a choice to be made...I was left to make the choice, and then got blamed for "his losing out...his not having what he wanted" I see now that I had to make the choice so that the ex could remain blameless in it all... "What could I do? You made the decision" "I can't tell you what to do"
Either way...you got what you wanted-you kept your friend...I just wish you had felt that passionate about keeping me
I have moved past the point of caring if anyone/everyone/he is reading this....it isn't for him, it is FOR ME!
Originally, I was convinced that it was me-I was being to difficult, too demanding, too needy in my jealousy of the casual intimacy he shared with certain of his friends-one in particular. The more I analyzed it, and talked through it with Don (my analyst), the more I see that I was not mis-interpreting the situation.
Granted, they have known each other longer than we had, and therefore had a history that I hoped to build as well.
Let me take a step back for a moment here...when we first started dating, and I met his friends, I was taken aback at how unfriendly most of them were to me. So I thought to myself "Maybe it was just the one time...don't freak out". Yet, each time I encountered them, the result was the same. When questioned about it, the only reaction I got was "Well, I don't know why they are like that"...as if to shrug and tell me that it was out of his hands.
One friend in particular...I did not like instantly, and as I got to know more-that dislike grew in intensity.
It became the battle royale-who was going to come out victorious? Me...or him
I tried to be accommodating-to engage him in conversation to see if there was something I was missing, but truth be told, there is nothing there, so it was like pulling teeth.
When the ex and I talked about it, and I expressed my difficulty in engaging in conversation, his reply to me was "Did you talk to him about things that he is interested in?"
I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me...once again-I was facing a situation in which I needed support-and all I got was a confirmation that his loyalties were elsewhere.
I found myself at dinner parties and restaurants, and watched with initial fascination as the ex doted on him...making sure the menu selections were just right, assuring himself that the friend was faring well for the evening. I dismissed it at first, but the behavior never really changed.
I withdrew from situations where I knew the friend would be, just because I couldn't watch it any longer. I made things difficult for the ex-going just short of telling him he could not spend time with him, in the hopes that I would prevail. Now I know this never works. What it did was to force the ex into a corner. For this I can only say I am sorry. I will say that an unintended result was finally finding out where I stood in the scheme of things....
Two incidents reflect this realization:
One-I had finally decided to let go of the ill-will, and the bitterness, and concede that the ex needs friends to be a whole person-so I said to him-I give it all up. Well, the next week the ex sees the friend 3 times....and the ex sees me 1! To top it off, wee had planned a party to include an out of town guest for weeks...and the day of the event I get a phone call from the ex, telling me that he "wants to do things differently, and the friend got wind of the party, and basically what should I do?" I told him to invite the friend. I then called back about an hour later to say that I respect that the friend will be there, but I did not want to be around him, so I was withdrawing from attendance at the party. When the out of town guest arrives, he calls me and gives me grief for not attending, and wanted to know why....Talk about feeling totally sold out!
Not only did I have to remove myself from the fun, but I had to then explain what was happening and why I was not there. The ex could not have filled him in on the way home from the airport? No, he couldn't...the only comment he made about me not coming to the party was "He (meaning me) is an adult, and he can make his own decisions" I must say-when I got off the phone with our out of town guest-I sobbed
Two-Months later, the ex is out of town, and I find myself at one of the local bars. Of course-who happens to be there, but the friend. Trying to be the bigger person, I try to engage him in conversation...to no avail. I went back and forth about telling the ex I ran into him, and finally decided I would share. When I tell him-his response was "Oh yeah, the friend told me that you ran into each other" Quell surprise... At this point, I say that it was rough to get into a conversation with him. One of the things we discussed was a pending move to another city. When I asked why he was thinking of moving, his response was basically "I don't know"
I told the ex that I did not understand this-to which he swooped in and gave me 5 reasons why someone would do that...of course-defending the friend. When we came back to the idea of the conversation being rough, the ex replies "well, my friend was telling me that the entire time you were talking to him, he was thinking 'why are you talking to me, you don't like me' ". Now, I will admit that I did not come out and tell him in so many words why I was talking to him, but I figured that it would be obvious, and I told the ex as much. He bristled at this, and told me that I should have been more forthcoming about why I was talking to him, to which I countered "Did you tell him why I would be talking to him?" "Did you ask the friend if he was talking about things that I am interested in?"....NO, you didn't. Yet again, I was the one that was in error...I was the one that needed to accommodate the friend...I was the one that needed to go
While I will be able to recover from the blows we inflicted on each other, I am not sure I will ever be able to let go of the idea that he told me he loved me, and that I was always the priority, yet EVERY SINGLE TIME the friend/friends were involved, and there was a choice to be made...I was left to make the choice, and then got blamed for "his losing out...his not having what he wanted" I see now that I had to make the choice so that the ex could remain blameless in it all... "What could I do? You made the decision" "I can't tell you what to do"
Either way...you got what you wanted-you kept your friend...I just wish you had felt that passionate about keeping me
I have moved past the point of caring if anyone/everyone/he is reading this....it isn't for him, it is FOR ME!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Life Lessons
I have started talking to an analyst/therapist. Some of you may scoff at such an idea, but my thinking is that your mind is like any other muscle-it needs to be worked out in order to see things clearly, and there is nothing wrong with getting an objective ear in order to make sense of thousands of conflicting emotions.
His office is in his home, and instantly I was put at ease by him. He reminds me of a cool gay grandfather: excellent taste in decorating, soothing colors to get you to talk, and a matter of fact style that I found refreshing.
Monday was the first session, and of course that was more of a get to know you situation...here is my approach to these sessions, tell me about you and why you are here...that sort of thing.
He left me with the project of figuring out two things:
What sort of lessons can I take from this experience?
Why, in the grand scheme of my life, did he enter it?
Tough questions, yes, but I found that the more I think about them, the more clarity I am getting about myself, about the ex, and about why it didn't work in the first place.
I have tried not to be the kind of person that nobody wants to talk to because all I want to discuss is "the breakup"...so I am going to limit this and subsequent entries to the positive things that have occurred, and allow myself the time to move on.
So...what Life Lessons have I learned? That was daunting at first, but the more I thought about it, the easier it came. Some are positive, some are negative, but they are what they are. Here are a few of them:
Every relationship leaves you with good things, as well as bad thing-it is my responsibility to put them into context, and use them as learning tools
Trust is like a thin, fragile fabric...it can be torn and mended, but there is always a reminder of the rip
People need different things, and if you don't articulate them , then you have only yourself to turn to when you don't get what you want
In life, you DON'T always get what you want
Romantic love is WORK...if you don't or won't put the effort into it-it dies
People say that they want to be spontaneous, but when surprises happen, they cannot handle them
Being told "You have no sense of humor" equates to "You don't find funny the same things that I find funny"
Compromise is always a gray area, and someone always ends up with the "short end of the stick"
You can love someone with your whole heart, but not necessarily like who they are
It is easier to do what is safe, rather than what is right
Self-perception can be very misleading...you may think you are making grand shifts in emotion/behavior/attitudes, but that change is typically so minuscule as to be unnoticed
Wants/Needs are important...don't question what you are feeling with respect to this: if you want it-it is valid..."you want too much" translates into "I cannot/will not give you all of that"
Honesty is not subjective
Love cannot come with "strings"...it is never fair to exert so much pressure on your partner that they feel trapped
Never let your emotions/feelings be scaled back to accommodate the other
Every person is emotionally/spiritually evolved in vastly different ways...the trick is to see how you can use each other's strengths to build a solid foundation... if one or the other has no self-awareness, it won't work
Many people are afraid to face the demons they carry around with them, so they don't. Never allow yourself to be put in the position of having to carry around not only your "baggage" but that of your partner as well
You can love someone with all of your heart, but that does not guarantee that you will like them
For some people, their friends are everything...and no matter who you are-you can't compete with that...if you try, you will lose
People move on in different ways...and that is the way it should be-we are all different
If you find yourself in a situation where you are hoping for vast emotional changes to occur, you are setting yourself for failure
Sexual attraction is as varied as everything else in life...it is how you deal with it that either makes you stronger, or it tears you apart
Mental/Physical/Spiritual/Emotional self-awareness is critical in order to build a lasting relationship
The stronger emotional person in a relationship usually bears the brunt of the "baggage handling"
Life can't be about blame, it has to be about analyzing events, putting them into perspective, and coming to a middle ground-one that protects both parties
If you expect a certain reaction in any given situation-you are setting yourself for failure
Be clear and honest about what you want from the other person, and from the relationship
Beyond all else-have faith in each other
If you find yourself in a situation where you don't get along with your partner's circle of friends...understand that you alone are the one that is going to have to deal with it: either make it work (to quote Tim Gunn), or expect a rough road...the friend(s) are always protected first
If you lose anything in a relationship: self-esteem, sexual identity, emotional freedom...acknowledge that you had a hand in it, and figure out why
When you get to the point in your relationship where arguing and bitterness are a constant thing-then it is time to re-evaluate
Letting go of things is not NEAR as easy as it sounds
Judgments about things is human...not good/not bad, but human. Know this and find out where it comes from -that will make it so much easier to free yourself of it
You may think you keep all of your judgements/opinions to yourself., but they always manifest themselves
No matter what sorts of things you have done in your life-OWN IT!
Don't expect that because you have been free and honest with your life, that the other person is able to do the same (great quote here...I hope I have gotten it correctly "The definition of insanity is performing the same task/emotional issue in the same way every time and expecting a different result")
People can view behavior and actions with no real idea of the ramifications of their actions/behaviors
Threats in a relationship don't work, and they just create animosity and discord
Know when to say when
There is no such thing as "wanting too much"...wanting too much affection, sex, validation, romance. We are who we are, and if you need something you are not receiving, you have every right to seek it out
A statement like "You have no sense of humor" translates into "You don't have MY sense of humor"
A person can mentally/emotionally feel as if the way they are thinking/feeling/acting is growth and progress...but if there is not correlative to actions. In other words, you may think the changes going on in your head are so vastly different than what you were doing, but that does not necessarily mean that your behavior changes dramatically
To quote a Sheryl Crow...it is not having what you want-it is wanting what you have got"
Self-esteem is as fragile as trust...and can be crushed with a few well chosen words/looks
Never be afraid that what you want is an imposition of the relationship
Understand that if you are the strong one in the relationship-the burden will fall to you to confront issues...it also means that you could be in a position to "hold" your partner's mental/emotional/situational hang-ups
Never be ashamed to be honest about what you want of the relationship
If you are willing to go out on a limb emotionally (be the first to say I love you, be the one that confronts issues in the relationship), be prepared to be out there alone
Realize that what makes people unique can be the very reason that you wanted to know more in the first place
It is alright to have different interests/hobbies/taste in things...this is what makes every human being special
Repression and Compartmentalization of emotions is not healthy, but it can sometimes by the only way that people have to cope
Every person has a different sex drive, and when you subordinate that for the sake of the other, be careful that you don't lose it along the way, and remember that the partner with the lower sex drive is ALWAYS in control-contrary to what they may think
Self-preservation is not only about getting food/shelter/clothing...it is also about protecting yourself emotionally/spiritually...most decisions are made with "damage control" in mind
People sometimes are dishonest in order to protect the relationship, or they are being dishonest because of they cannot face the truth of the situation...either way-it is harmful to the foundation of a relationship
Saying "I'm sorry" does not erase the damage of dishonesty
One can say "You are my priority", but in truth the only way you can really know that is by what they DO to show you that
If you are finding yourself needing more from a partner-don't be afraid to let them know that
The term "you want too much" translate into "I can't give you that"
Be as objective as possible about your own actions/behaviors...we can become so focused on what we want from the relationship that we can alienate the one we love
WOW...pretty extensive list
I have not worked though the meanings of these phrases, but I am convinced that as I do...the bitterness and anger will subside.
Mentally exhausted, I must finish there.
I will get into more of this in a subsequent post-DH
His office is in his home, and instantly I was put at ease by him. He reminds me of a cool gay grandfather: excellent taste in decorating, soothing colors to get you to talk, and a matter of fact style that I found refreshing.
Monday was the first session, and of course that was more of a get to know you situation...here is my approach to these sessions, tell me about you and why you are here...that sort of thing.
He left me with the project of figuring out two things:
What sort of lessons can I take from this experience?
Why, in the grand scheme of my life, did he enter it?
Tough questions, yes, but I found that the more I think about them, the more clarity I am getting about myself, about the ex, and about why it didn't work in the first place.
I have tried not to be the kind of person that nobody wants to talk to because all I want to discuss is "the breakup"...so I am going to limit this and subsequent entries to the positive things that have occurred, and allow myself the time to move on.
So...what Life Lessons have I learned? That was daunting at first, but the more I thought about it, the easier it came. Some are positive, some are negative, but they are what they are. Here are a few of them:
Every relationship leaves you with good things, as well as bad thing-it is my responsibility to put them into context, and use them as learning tools
Trust is like a thin, fragile fabric...it can be torn and mended, but there is always a reminder of the rip
People need different things, and if you don't articulate them , then you have only yourself to turn to when you don't get what you want
In life, you DON'T always get what you want
Romantic love is WORK...if you don't or won't put the effort into it-it dies
People say that they want to be spontaneous, but when surprises happen, they cannot handle them
Being told "You have no sense of humor" equates to "You don't find funny the same things that I find funny"
Compromise is always a gray area, and someone always ends up with the "short end of the stick"
You can love someone with your whole heart, but not necessarily like who they are
It is easier to do what is safe, rather than what is right
Self-perception can be very misleading...you may think you are making grand shifts in emotion/behavior/attitudes, but that change is typically so minuscule as to be unnoticed
Wants/Needs are important...don't question what you are feeling with respect to this: if you want it-it is valid..."you want too much" translates into "I cannot/will not give you all of that"
Honesty is not subjective
Love cannot come with "strings"...it is never fair to exert so much pressure on your partner that they feel trapped
Never let your emotions/feelings be scaled back to accommodate the other
Every person is emotionally/spiritually evolved in vastly different ways...the trick is to see how you can use each other's strengths to build a solid foundation... if one or the other has no self-awareness, it won't work
Many people are afraid to face the demons they carry around with them, so they don't. Never allow yourself to be put in the position of having to carry around not only your "baggage" but that of your partner as well
You can love someone with all of your heart, but that does not guarantee that you will like them
For some people, their friends are everything...and no matter who you are-you can't compete with that...if you try, you will lose
People move on in different ways...and that is the way it should be-we are all different
If you find yourself in a situation where you are hoping for vast emotional changes to occur, you are setting yourself for failure
Sexual attraction is as varied as everything else in life...it is how you deal with it that either makes you stronger, or it tears you apart
Mental/Physical/Spiritual/Emotional self-awareness is critical in order to build a lasting relationship
The stronger emotional person in a relationship usually bears the brunt of the "baggage handling"
Life can't be about blame, it has to be about analyzing events, putting them into perspective, and coming to a middle ground-one that protects both parties
If you expect a certain reaction in any given situation-you are setting yourself for failure
Be clear and honest about what you want from the other person, and from the relationship
Beyond all else-have faith in each other
If you find yourself in a situation where you don't get along with your partner's circle of friends...understand that you alone are the one that is going to have to deal with it: either make it work (to quote Tim Gunn), or expect a rough road...the friend(s) are always protected first
If you lose anything in a relationship: self-esteem, sexual identity, emotional freedom...acknowledge that you had a hand in it, and figure out why
When you get to the point in your relationship where arguing and bitterness are a constant thing-then it is time to re-evaluate
Letting go of things is not NEAR as easy as it sounds
Judgments about things is human...not good/not bad, but human. Know this and find out where it comes from -that will make it so much easier to free yourself of it
You may think you keep all of your judgements/opinions to yourself., but they always manifest themselves
No matter what sorts of things you have done in your life-OWN IT!
Don't expect that because you have been free and honest with your life, that the other person is able to do the same (great quote here...I hope I have gotten it correctly "The definition of insanity is performing the same task/emotional issue in the same way every time and expecting a different result")
People can view behavior and actions with no real idea of the ramifications of their actions/behaviors
Threats in a relationship don't work, and they just create animosity and discord
Know when to say when
There is no such thing as "wanting too much"...wanting too much affection, sex, validation, romance. We are who we are, and if you need something you are not receiving, you have every right to seek it out
A statement like "You have no sense of humor" translates into "You don't have MY sense of humor"
A person can mentally/emotionally feel as if the way they are thinking/feeling/acting is growth and progress...but if there is not correlative to actions. In other words, you may think the changes going on in your head are so vastly different than what you were doing, but that does not necessarily mean that your behavior changes dramatically
To quote a Sheryl Crow...it is not having what you want-it is wanting what you have got"
Self-esteem is as fragile as trust...and can be crushed with a few well chosen words/looks
Never be afraid that what you want is an imposition of the relationship
Understand that if you are the strong one in the relationship-the burden will fall to you to confront issues...it also means that you could be in a position to "hold" your partner's mental/emotional/situational hang-ups
Never be ashamed to be honest about what you want of the relationship
If you are willing to go out on a limb emotionally (be the first to say I love you, be the one that confronts issues in the relationship), be prepared to be out there alone
Realize that what makes people unique can be the very reason that you wanted to know more in the first place
It is alright to have different interests/hobbies/taste in things...this is what makes every human being special
Repression and Compartmentalization of emotions is not healthy, but it can sometimes by the only way that people have to cope
Every person has a different sex drive, and when you subordinate that for the sake of the other, be careful that you don't lose it along the way, and remember that the partner with the lower sex drive is ALWAYS in control-contrary to what they may think
Self-preservation is not only about getting food/shelter/clothing...it is also about protecting yourself emotionally/spiritually...most decisions are made with "damage control" in mind
People sometimes are dishonest in order to protect the relationship, or they are being dishonest because of they cannot face the truth of the situation...either way-it is harmful to the foundation of a relationship
Saying "I'm sorry" does not erase the damage of dishonesty
One can say "You are my priority", but in truth the only way you can really know that is by what they DO to show you that
If you are finding yourself needing more from a partner-don't be afraid to let them know that
The term "you want too much" translate into "I can't give you that"
Be as objective as possible about your own actions/behaviors...we can become so focused on what we want from the relationship that we can alienate the one we love
WOW...pretty extensive list
I have not worked though the meanings of these phrases, but I am convinced that as I do...the bitterness and anger will subside.
Mentally exhausted, I must finish there.
I will get into more of this in a subsequent post-DH
Thursday, July 5, 2007
The Vanishing Act
Hope the 4th was a good one for all!
I went through a mental tug-of-war about what I could/could not post in this blog. Can I be honest, and say exactly what I feel? How revealing should I be? Will it be perceived as hurtful?
Now I realize that it does not matter one bit...the individuals that would know who I was referring to, and the situations I may mention, are not reading this...so I will feel free to be as honest as possible.
How do I know that this is the case? The Ex made several blog friends when we were together, and consequently, I became friends with some of them as well. When I started my blog, they added me to their list of blog friends, so that others could find it. Upon review the other day-I noticed that I have been removed from all lists...thus the name of this post.
Am I surprised? Yes and no. I understand that with a break-up, there are sides to be chosen. What hurts is that some of these people I really came to value as friends. Oh well, I guess you live and learn-right?
What I really find fascinating is the ability of people to just "move on"...as if 3 years never happened.
How is that possible?
I am aware of the fact that one has to do this in order to be whole again-but what is wrong with a bit of a grief period?
The most overwhelming emotion I feel right now is anger: anger at the lost opportunities, anger at the constant struggle, anger at feeling like I lost so much, and he lost nothing, anger at having to learn how to trust again, anger at wanting to believe so fervently that things would be different, anger at trying to be spontaneous, only to be hammered into the ground for it.
I am dramatic, but the sentiment remains the same. I never thought I was a hopeless romantic, but now I see that I am. Flowers, cards, surprise candle-lit dinners...that sort of thing melts my heart, and I waited for it....but it never arrived.
In all fairness-he is a loving, caring, sweet, kind, compassionate person that will always bring a smile to my face, and will hold a special place in my heart.
I understand that I am TOO MUCH: too loud, too brash, too bold, too confrontational, too sexual, too boisterous...but at all times I was up-front and honest about it.
Can I say the same for him?
Granted, there is something to be said for restraint...but when it inhibits emotional growth, then something's gotta give...
I scaled back so that we could flourish as a couple, and now I see that I scaled back so much that I lost myself.
As Fleetwood Mac stated "Is it over now? Do you know how...to pick up the pieces and go home?"
Time for me to find out.....
I went through a mental tug-of-war about what I could/could not post in this blog. Can I be honest, and say exactly what I feel? How revealing should I be? Will it be perceived as hurtful?
Now I realize that it does not matter one bit...the individuals that would know who I was referring to, and the situations I may mention, are not reading this...so I will feel free to be as honest as possible.
How do I know that this is the case? The Ex made several blog friends when we were together, and consequently, I became friends with some of them as well. When I started my blog, they added me to their list of blog friends, so that others could find it. Upon review the other day-I noticed that I have been removed from all lists...thus the name of this post.
Am I surprised? Yes and no. I understand that with a break-up, there are sides to be chosen. What hurts is that some of these people I really came to value as friends. Oh well, I guess you live and learn-right?
What I really find fascinating is the ability of people to just "move on"...as if 3 years never happened.
How is that possible?
I am aware of the fact that one has to do this in order to be whole again-but what is wrong with a bit of a grief period?
The most overwhelming emotion I feel right now is anger: anger at the lost opportunities, anger at the constant struggle, anger at feeling like I lost so much, and he lost nothing, anger at having to learn how to trust again, anger at wanting to believe so fervently that things would be different, anger at trying to be spontaneous, only to be hammered into the ground for it.
I am dramatic, but the sentiment remains the same. I never thought I was a hopeless romantic, but now I see that I am. Flowers, cards, surprise candle-lit dinners...that sort of thing melts my heart, and I waited for it....but it never arrived.
In all fairness-he is a loving, caring, sweet, kind, compassionate person that will always bring a smile to my face, and will hold a special place in my heart.
I understand that I am TOO MUCH: too loud, too brash, too bold, too confrontational, too sexual, too boisterous...but at all times I was up-front and honest about it.
Can I say the same for him?
Granted, there is something to be said for restraint...but when it inhibits emotional growth, then something's gotta give...
I scaled back so that we could flourish as a couple, and now I see that I scaled back so much that I lost myself.
As Fleetwood Mac stated "Is it over now? Do you know how...to pick up the pieces and go home?"
Time for me to find out.....
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