Boyfriends Come and Go.....

How true that phrase really is!
Originally, I was convinced that it was me-I was being to difficult, too demanding, too needy in my jealousy of the casual intimacy he shared with certain of his friends-one in particular. The more I analyzed it, and talked through it with Don (my analyst), the more I see that I was not mis-interpreting the situation.
Granted, they have known each other longer than we had, and therefore had a history that I hoped to build as well.
Let me take a step back for a moment here...when we first started dating, and I met his friends, I was taken aback at how unfriendly most of them were to me. So I thought to myself "Maybe it was just the one time...don't freak out". Yet, each time I encountered them, the result was the same. When questioned about it, the only reaction I got was "Well, I don't know why they are like that"...as if to shrug and tell me that it was out of his hands.
One friend in particular...I did not like instantly, and as I got to know more-that dislike grew in intensity.
It became the battle royale-who was going to come out victorious? Me...or him
I tried to be accommodating-to engage him in conversation to see if there was something I was missing, but truth be told, there is nothing there, so it was like pulling teeth.
When the ex and I talked about it, and I expressed my difficulty in engaging in conversation, his reply to me was "Did you talk to him about things that he is interested in?"
I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me...once again-I was facing a situation in which I needed support-and all I got was a confirmation that his loyalties were elsewhere.
I found myself at dinner parties and restaurants, and watched with initial fascination as the ex doted on him...making sure the menu selections were just right, assuring himself that the friend was faring well for the evening. I dismissed it at first, but the behavior never really changed.
I withdrew from situations where I knew the friend would be, just because I couldn't watch it any longer. I made things difficult for the ex-going just short of telling him he could not spend time with him, in the hopes that I would prevail. Now I know this never works. What it did was to force the ex into a corner. For this I can only say I am sorry. I will say that an unintended result was finally finding out where I stood in the scheme of things....
Two incidents reflect this realization:

One-I had finally decided to let go of the ill-will, and the bitterness, and concede that the ex needs friends to be a whole person-so I said to him-I give it all up. Well, the next week the ex sees the friend 3 times....and the ex sees me 1! To top it off, wee had planned a party to include an out of town guest for weeks...and the day of the event I get a phone call from the ex, telling me that he "wants to do things differently, and the friend got wind of the party, and basically what should I do?" I told him to invite the friend. I then called back about an hour later to say that I respect that the friend will be there, but I did not want to be around him, so I was withdrawing from attendance at the party. When the out of town guest arrives, he calls me and gives me grief for not attending, and wanted to know why....Talk about feeling totally sold out!
Not only did I have to remove myself from the fun, but I had to then explain what was happening and why I was not there. The ex could not have filled him in on the way home from the airport? No, he couldn't...the only comment he made about me not coming to the party was "He (meaning me) is an adult, and he can make his own decisions" I must say-when I got off the phone with our out of town guest-I sobbed

Two-Months later, the ex is out of town, and I find myself at one of the local bars. Of course-who happens to be there, but the friend. Trying to be the bigger person, I try to engage him in conversation...to no avail. I went back and forth about telling the ex I ran into him, and finally decided I would share. When I tell him-his response was "Oh yeah, the friend told me that you ran into each other" Quell surprise... At this point, I say that it was rough to get into a conversation with him. One of the things we discussed was a pending move to another city. When I asked why he was thinking of moving, his response was basically "I don't know"
I told the ex that I did not understand this-to which he swooped in and gave me 5 reasons why someone would do that...of course-defending the friend. When we came back to the idea of the conversation being rough, the ex replies "well, my friend was telling me that the entire time you were talking to him, he was thinking 'why are you talking to me, you don't like me' ". Now, I will admit that I did not come out and tell him in so many words why I was talking to him, but I figured that it would be obvious, and I told the ex as much. He bristled at this, and told me that I should have been more forthcoming about why I was talking to him, to which I countered "Did you tell him why I would be talking to him?" "Did you ask the friend if he was talking about things that I am interested in?"....NO, you didn't. Yet again, I was the one that was in error...I was the one that needed to accommodate the friend...I was the one that needed to go

While I will be able to recover from the blows we inflicted on each other, I am not sure I will ever be able to let go of the idea that he told me he loved me, and that I was always the priority, yet EVERY SINGLE TIME the friend/friends were involved, and there was a choice to be made...I was left to make the choice, and then got blamed for "his losing out...his not having what he wanted" I see now that I had to make the choice so that the ex could remain blameless in it all... "What could I do? You made the decision" "I can't tell you what to do"
Either way...you got what you wanted-you kept your friend...I just wish you had felt that passionate about keeping me

I have moved past the point of caring if anyone/everyone/he is reading this....it isn't for him, it is FOR ME!