Life Lessons

I have started talking to an analyst/therapist. Some of you may scoff at such an idea, but my thinking is that your mind is like any other muscle-it needs to be worked out in order to see things clearly, and there is nothing wrong with getting an objective ear in order to make sense of thousands of conflicting emotions.

His office is in his home, and instantly I was put at ease by him. He reminds me of a cool gay grandfather: excellent taste in decorating, soothing colors to get you to talk, and a matter of fact style that I found refreshing.

Monday was the first session, and of course that was more of a get to know you situation...here is my approach to these sessions, tell me about you and why you are here...that sort of thing.

He left me with the project of figuring out two things:

What sort of lessons can I take from this experience?

Why, in the grand scheme of my life, did he enter it?

Tough questions, yes, but I found that the more I think about them, the more clarity I am getting about myself, about the ex, and about why it didn't work in the first place.

I have tried not to be the kind of person that nobody wants to talk to because all I want to discuss is "the breakup"...so I am going to limit this and subsequent entries to the positive things that have occurred, and allow myself the time to move on.
So...what Life Lessons have I learned? That was daunting at first, but the more I thought about it, the easier it came. Some are positive, some are negative, but they are what they are. Here are a few of them:



Every relationship leaves you with good things, as well as bad thing-it is my responsibility to put them into context, and use them as learning tools


Trust is like a thin, fragile fabric...it can be torn and mended, but there is always a reminder of the rip


People need different things, and if you don't articulate them , then you have only yourself to turn to when you don't get what you want


In life, you DON'T always get what you want


Romantic love is WORK...if you don't or won't put the effort into it-it dies


People say that they want to be spontaneous, but when surprises happen, they cannot handle them

Being told "You have no sense of humor" equates to "You don't find funny the same things that I find funny"


Compromise is always a gray area, and someone always ends up with the "short end of the stick"


You can love someone with your whole heart, but not necessarily like who they are


It is easier to do what is safe, rather than what is right


Self-perception can be very misleading...you may think you are making grand shifts in emotion/behavior/attitudes, but that change is typically so minuscule as to be unnoticed


Wants/Needs are important...don't question what you are feeling with respect to this: if you want it-it is valid..."you want too much" translates into "I cannot/will not give you all of that"


Honesty is not subjective


Love cannot come with "strings"...it is never fair to exert so much pressure on your partner that they feel trapped


Never let your emotions/feelings be scaled back to accommodate the other


Every person is emotionally/spiritually evolved in vastly different ways...the trick is to see how you can use each other's strengths to build a solid foundation... if one or the other has no self-awareness, it won't work


Many people are afraid to face the demons they carry around with them, so they don't. Never allow yourself to be put in the position of having to carry around not only your "baggage" but that of your partner as well



You can love someone with all of your heart, but that does not guarantee that you will like them


For some people, their friends are everything...and no matter who you are-you can't compete with that...if you try, you will lose


People move on in different ways...and that is the way it should be-we are all different


If you find yourself in a situation where you are hoping for vast emotional changes to occur, you are setting yourself for failure


Sexual attraction is as varied as everything else in life...it is how you deal with it that either makes you stronger, or it tears you apart


Mental/Physical/Spiritual/Emotional self-awareness is critical in order to build a lasting relationship


The stronger emotional person in a relationship usually bears the brunt of the "baggage handling"


Life can't be about blame, it has to be about analyzing events, putting them into perspective, and coming to a middle ground-one that protects both parties


If you expect a certain reaction in any given situation-you are setting yourself for failure


Be clear and honest about what you want from the other person, and from the relationship


Beyond all else-have faith in each other


If you find yourself in a situation where you don't get along with your partner's circle of friends...understand that you alone are the one that is going to have to deal with it: either make it work (to quote Tim Gunn), or expect a rough road...the friend(s) are always protected first


If you lose anything in a relationship: self-esteem, sexual identity, emotional freedom...acknowledge that you had a hand in it, and figure out why


When you get to the point in your relationship where arguing and bitterness are a constant thing-then it is time to re-evaluate


Letting go of things is not NEAR as easy as it sounds



Judgments about things is human...not good/not bad, but human. Know this and find out where it comes from -that will make it so much easier to free yourself of it


You may think you keep all of your judgements/opinions to yourself., but they always manifest themselves


No matter what sorts of things you have done in your life-OWN IT!



Don't expect that because you have been free and honest with your life, that the other person is able to do the same (great quote here...I hope I have gotten it correctly "The definition of insanity is performing the same task/emotional issue in the same way every time and expecting a different result")


People can view behavior and actions with no real idea of the ramifications of their actions/behaviors


Threats in a relationship don't work, and they just create animosity and discord


Know when to say when


There is no such thing as "wanting too much"...wanting too much affection, sex, validation, romance. We are who we are, and if you need something you are not receiving, you have every right to seek it out


A statement like "You have no sense of humor" translates into "You don't have MY sense of humor"


A person can mentally/emotionally feel as if the way they are thinking/feeling/acting is growth and progress...but if there is not correlative to actions. In other words, you may think the changes going on in your head are so vastly different than what you were doing, but that does not necessarily mean that your behavior changes dramatically


To quote a Sheryl Crow...it is not having what you want-it is wanting what you have got"


Self-esteem is as fragile as trust...and can be crushed with a few well chosen words/looks


Never be afraid that what you want is an imposition of the relationship


Understand that if you are the strong one in the relationship-the burden will fall to you to confront issues...it also means that you could be in a position to "hold" your partner's mental/emotional/situational hang-ups


Never be ashamed to be honest about what you want of the relationship


If you are willing to go out on a limb emotionally (be the first to say I love you, be the one that confronts issues in the relationship), be prepared to be out there alone


Realize that what makes people unique can be the very reason that you wanted to know more in the first place


It is alright to have different interests/hobbies/taste in things...this is what makes every human being special


Repression and Compartmentalization of emotions is not healthy, but it can sometimes by the only way that people have to cope



Every person has a different sex drive, and when you subordinate that for the sake of the other, be careful that you don't lose it along the way, and remember that the partner with the lower sex drive is ALWAYS in control-contrary to what they may think


Self-preservation is not only about getting food/shelter/clothing...it is also about protecting yourself emotionally/spiritually...most decisions are made with "damage control" in mind


People sometimes are dishonest in order to protect the relationship, or they are being dishonest because of they cannot face the truth of the situation...either way-it is harmful to the foundation of a relationship

Saying "I'm sorry" does not erase the damage of dishonesty


One can say "You are my priority", but in truth the only way you can really know that is by what they DO to show you that



If you are finding yourself needing more from a partner-don't be afraid to let them know that


The term "you want too much" translate into "I can't give you that"


Be as objective as possible about your own actions/behaviors...we can become so focused on what we want from the relationship that we can alienate the one we love



WOW...pretty extensive list

I have not worked though the meanings of these phrases, but I am convinced that as I do...the bitterness and anger will subside.

Mentally exhausted, I must finish there.

I will get into more of this in a subsequent post-DH